The Airing of Grievances
Monday, August 23, 2004
Meatathalon - Foiled
In honor of the Olympics, I decided to compete in an overlooked ancient Greek tradition - the Meatathalon. Ancient Greeks would compete with one another in an event of staggering skill and endurance, to eat five straight meals consisting of meat from different parts of the same animal. Contestants were judged on speed, vairety of meat cut, and style points, awarded by trained Meatathalon judges. Imagine if you will, a Greek warrior, resplendant in shining armor and tunics, chowing down on lamb chops, mutton, kabobs, tripe, and leg of lamb in one 3 day period. Breathtaking, I assure you.

Of course, like the Pentathalon, the ancient test of martial skill and endurance, the Meatathalon had to be updated to today's eating habits. Check my plan for last week's attempt at a modern Meatathalon.

Thursday Lunch: A hangar steak sandwich at Sidecar.
Thursday Dinner: A homemade shell steak from Stew Leonard's.
Friday Lunch: A Hickory Burger (ground chuck) at Houston's.
Friday Dinner: Porterhouse Steak at Manhattan's best new steakhouse, Wolfgang's.
Saturday Lunch: The Brazilian specialty filled with all types of meats - Feijoada ("Fej-WOW-da") at Circus.

How did I do? Well, the first two events started off par with the field. I only ate half the sandwich bread at Sidecar, but posihed off the entire interior. A 2 tenths deduction on style points, but still in the hunt. A solid performance on the shell steak lead to a total demolishion of Houston's Hickory Burger Friday afternoon. This lead to the fourth and most important leg of the Meatathalon.

Wolfgang's was a virtuouso performance. Ask Frank, or Jose Mc Meat, who witnessed it. Almost a whole porterhouse for two, with bone action. One of the finest performances in the history of the Meatathalon - modern or otherwise. I could see it then, fathers would tell their son's of my greatness, poets and minstrels would serenade the countryside with my grandeur. I stopped to praise the Gods before demolishing a nice desert as well. I was headed for an Olympic record Meatathalon performance, and I was giddy for the next day.

Then, the next morning, I woke up, and was struck down by a jealous Zeus, progenetor of the Meatathalon. His thunderbolt? Food poisoning. Struck down at the height of my powers by a brutal case. What caused the food poisioning? The freakin' shellfish special that we had ordered at the table. I had this competition locked up tight. And I was showing off for the audience by downing a couple of extra shirmps and crabmeat cocktail.

Why? Why oh Zeus did I go for the shellfish? The answer is Greek, and as old as the Meatathalon itself...Hubris.

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